Northern Idaho
March 2021- November 2021
“You’re so brave.” – A stranger, now friend, said to me on my first night in Idaho at Karaoke
If you haven’t read/watched Part One, you can here.
So I quit my job and decided to move to Northern Idaho. It took me a while to work up the courage, because of the friendships I had made. But I had decided and it was time to take a leap.
Then for over a month, I tried to find a place to live. But nothing was coming together. I was frustrated and was thinking maybe I should go to our family’s place in Oregon for a few weeks so that way I would just be closer in case anything came up.
Once again the universe stepped in! Our neighbor and good friend said she knew a lady who had moved to Northern Idaho from our neighborhood and that she was a realtor. Maybe she could help me find a place? So we got on the phone with her.
Over that phone call, she told me she would see what she could find and if I sent her my resume she might know of a job as well. After we exchanged a few emails, she asked me if I could come up there to meet a few people.
That was it! I packed my stuff, which was one of the most emotional moves I’ve had and we headed north.
There have been a few times in my life that have really stood out as days that I will always remember. These are always days that I feel way out of my comfort zone, but I knew if I didn’t do them, if I played it safe, I would always wonder. Some include standing outside the gym when I was 15 years old, as my mom left, before I went to play basketball in Britain; then going to college, then when I left to go backpacking around Europe for a month, and this day. Pulling up to a stranger’s house, knocking on her door, in a town I knew no one and had only visited twice but trusting that the universe had my back and this was what I was supposed to do.
That was one of the craziest days. Within two hours of arriving she offered to let me stay in her guest room for a few months until I found a place (which turned into me staying for 8 months), and she introduced me to the owner of a local restaurant (that I had actually visited in September) who offered me a job on the spot.
So in less than three hours of arriving in CDA, I had a place to live, a job that was flexible so I could still work with my bridal clients in California and this was the view from downtown…
Oh and did I mention, we were going to karaoke that night. Me… karaoke! The girl who doesn’t like eyes on her was going to karaoke! Don’t worry I made sure I didn’t have to sing!
The next six weeks in particular were a roller coaster! I met more people in the first 20 days than I had in the last two years in Chico. Before I left I was sad I was probably going to spend my birthday alone, as it was going to be in two weeks after I arrived in a town where I knew no one. When actually, not only did my best friend and parents surprise me (and bring all my belongings from Oregon) but an entire bar and so many new friends that I will cherish forever sang “Happy Birthday” to me! I have never been so welcomed and embraced by a community of people. These new friends were amazing and we were having so much fun!
But I would be lying to you if I told you it was easy. Whenever you make a big leap, or there is change in your life, it stirs up a lot of emotions. My emotions were all over the place. I was having an amazing time, meeting so many people, doing things I had never done before, putting myself out there in ways I hadn’t in years or possibly ever, but there was also this constant reminder in the beginning. Of a dream. Of a goal that was on our fridge.
One day I was sitting in one of my favorite restaurants, working as I often did and I looked up and realized not only was this the restaurant we had visited when we decided we might really want to move here all those years ago, but this was the table we had sat at. It was bittersweet. I wrote this, that day…
Sometimes when you go through something, and as much as I want to share my story and to encourage everyone, it’s difficult to write about it. To reflect. Because it digs up old wounds. To examine how it is that I got here. The last 5 years, from when it was on “our fridge” as “our goal” to now being here, alone. It feels like it’s been a lifetime! And when you’ve done the work to heal from those wounds. When you’ve cried, collapsed on the floor, because you didn’t think you could go on… I just don’t want to go there again. I don’t want to bring it all back up. To stand here to say I did it and without you. I don’t want to think about where I’ve been and what I’ve gone through. It’s a fine line between sharing to help others and being a victim. But on my first night in Idaho I was at karaoke and this guy said “You’re so brave.” That was the first time I stopped and really thought about it. But there was something about this stranger pointing it out. It’s not like my family and support system telling me how proud of me they are and of course I want to make them proud, but when a total stranger who doesn’t know your story, doesn’t know the path it took to get here, to those days when I didn’t want to get up in the morning, to the amount of determination, self love, just the journey it’s taken to get here it just kinda hit me…
Wow, I’m here and I survived. I have me and that’s all I need. I AM brave.
In the beginning being there on my own was sad, honestly. And frustrating. Because I wasn’t finding a place I could afford on my own and if I had a partner it would be easier. But more than that, I was frustrated because I had closed that chapter, I had dealt with these emotions. All the “what could’ve beens.” Why were they creeping up again. But also being happy it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. While also feeling more empowered than I ever have in my entire life. I was there, checking off that goal and all on my own, for me. Ugh, I told you it was a rollercoaster.
The end of March I wrote this…
Today while getting ready for work, I was watching something and was suddenly triggered. I then spent the next 15 minutes sobbing and then re-applying all the makeup I had just put on and I was mad!
I was mad at him. I was mad at them. I was mad at myself. Because all of these feelings came rushing to the surface and I was tired of always having to be strong. Strong for everyone else. Strong for myself. Having to deal with it. Having to be brave. Of not having someone to share the struggle with. Someone to just make a goddamn coffee in the morning!
But I gave myself space and I talked to myself as I would my best friend. I allowed myself to have a breakdown. To cry off all of the makeup I had just spent 30 minutes applying. To just not be brave in that moment. To feel my feelings because you have to feel your feelings. You can’t keep them bottled up. Because you have to give yourself space and love yourself enough to let it be OK that you’re not OK. And then… I put on one of my favorite songs because even after the breakdowns, after the tears have dried, after everything…you have to be strong! You have to get up. You have to put your face back on and you have to fucking go to work!
That’s it! You just do it! Because no one else is going to! But give yourself grace, give yourself permission to feel whatever it is that you need to feel and then handle it!
I’m telling you these past journal entries that I had planned on becoming posts, but eventually decided not to share, simply in the hope it will help you. To know you aren’t alone, because sometimes when you are going through something you can’t express it. It’s hard to share, because you haven’t felt all of your emotions surrounding it. You don’t want to say the wrong thing. You need that little bit of perspective that allowing yourself to really work through everything can give you and then you hope you can show someone that they are not alone.
After a little while, I felt a shift. It was as if I had worked through those emotions, I’d given myself the spaces I needed to process and to re-heal some of those old wounds that this experience opened. Like I had reclaimed Idaho for myself, unintentionally. It was no longer “our” now it was MINE and I was proud of myself for still taking the leap.
I started a new job, I was still having a great time with some of the best people and creating relationships I will always have but it was like things just couldn’t get rolling. This part of Idaho is growing at a crazy rate and it isn’t the quaint lake town it used to be. It’s been discovered. It’s expensive now.
Then I got Covid, while also living in a hotel because our house had major damage from a leak. So I had a lot of time to think. To process what these last 6 months had been and what I was going to do next. My weddings were quickly approaching and I knew as soon as they were done I needed to make some changes. But I gave myself space to only focus on my work because my clients needed my full attention. I knew when they were over I would have to make some hard decisions.
I had been thinking and spending a lot of time in Oregon over the last 6 months. I liked spending time there. The mountains were peaceful. But part of me felt like if I left Idaho I was failing. I had told my Dad I would give it a year, until my birthday again. That I just needed to do it and then I would reassess. I would be leaving friends that had become lifelong friendships, the most welcoming community I have ever experienced, one of the most beautiful places I had ever seen, and a budding romance.
It’s not that things weren’t working in Idaho, in many ways they were, but it’s like there was no traction, if that makes sense. I couldn’t find a place I could afford, I didn’t want to just go get another job I hated, that was sucking the life out of me just to pay the rent and on top of that a bunch of bullshit happened at my job.
In steps the universe again… seriously once you start acting on the signs she delivers it can get a little out of hand. I was visiting my Dad in Oregon and a discussion started about how our friend was probably going to have to close her store for a few weeks in the winter and before I knew it I had volunteered to help her out…
I remember waking up in the morning and immediately thinking, “Oh crap! I just agreed to move here!”
To be continued…
