-Emily Learn, to her Mother when she asked, “What happened?” at her preschool graduation.
All the families were gathered together, the room smelled faintly of the day’s specials, the way only elementary school cafeterias can. Proud parents packed together, with cameras ready waiting to get the perfect shot. This is the moment they’ve waited five years for; the first of so many accomplishments she’ll have.
The teacher begins announcing each child’s name alphabetically to an uproar of cheers as they make their way across the stage to collect their diploma.
Finally, “Emily Learn!”
The applause dies to confused murmurs as no one crosses the stage. Mom and Dad look at each other, concerned.
Again, she announces, “Emily…” but quickly moves onto the next child.
Finally, all of the names have been read, each with great enthusiasm, but the teacher goes to the side stage and finally walks out clutching the hand of a little blond girl, in a pretty dress, who is covering her eyes, hysterical. “If I can’t see them, then they can’t see me.”
I was that little girl at my preschool graduation and my inner child is still that same little girl, who doesn’t like it when eyes are on her and dear god please don’t make her speak.
For my 4th birthday, my Aunt Mary took me to my Uncles fancy restaurant for a very special lunch, just the two of us, like a big girl!
But when the wait staff brought out the birthday sundae and tried to sing “Happy Birthday” I was so mortified I hid under the table until they were done.
I also did the same thing at my 19th birthday, but instead of hiding under the table I started crying…
After 1st grade, my parents made the decision to hold me back another year, not because I was less intelligent or because they wanted me to be better at sports (I can’t tell you the number of times I was accused of that), but because I was so shy I fell behind.
My mom says that the teachers literally told her, “Your daughter is too well behaved.”
See I would just sit at my desk and write stories with illustrations in my favorite Lisa Frank notebook and because I was so quiet or “well behaved” and appeared to be working, they were too preoccupied to realize that I had fallen behind in my reading levels.
It wasn’t until I was in 6th grade and my teacher/coach realized the drastic difference between me on the basketball court and me in the classroom that he then took it upon himself to help me read and speak in front of people. Every day he would make me read out loud in front of everyone, but because of him, two years later, I gave a speech as the class president at our 8th-grade graduation in front of hundreds of people.
I can give you a hundred more examples, but the point is I am very shy, that shyness comes from a fear of judgment and being a pleaser, so it has always been very difficult for me to make small talk or speak up. But I have always been able to communicate and express myself better through writing, just like I was doing in my notebook all those years ago.
Ever since I can remember, I knew I wanted to be a writer. The other kids wanted to be firefighters, scientists or teachers and I wanted to be like Jo March in “Little Women” (1994) with ink on my hands. Later I wanted to go on adventures like “Harriet the Spy” and become a journalist.
In college, it took me a few extra years, because I couldn’t make up my mind between Cultural Anthropology (I wanted to travel the world and study or write about other cultures and religions) and Business (It’s practical and I’ve always wanted to be my own boss and own a restaurant/event venue). It finally got to the point that my counselor said, “You have to pick one or double major.” So I picked business because it was more practical.
Then in 2011, a friend I met while interning in Philadelphia told me that she had a blog. That was the first time I realized “normal” people could use this platform. Could have a voice and write about whatever they wanted. Since then I always thought about starting my own, but I could never decide what my niche would be. I had a lot of hobbies, like cooking or traveling, but I didn’t feel like I could have an authentic voice on those topics because I wasn’t an expert.
Fast forward to four years ago, when my partner (at the time) was diagnosed with Celiac Disease (you can read part of that story here). It was a long painful process to get to that diagnosis and this blog was born out of that. It was a way for me to handle or wrap my mind around our new reality. More than that I wanted to help anyone who went through a similar experience when the doctors tell you they have to operate, but they don’t know why. But you’re scared so you don’t ask questions. Or not knowing what to do after the diagnosis when your whole life and plans for the future have changed. Now it has been 4 years, since that diagnosis. In writing that I can’t believe it’s been that long already, but at the same time, it feels like it’s been forever because so much has happened.
That experience, for better or worse, changed my life. During that time I decided to change my career because I wanted to help people who were going through what we went through. To help them figure out what to do after the diagnosis. To be their advocate. To ask the hard questions. To be their support system, because we didn’t have one. To be someone who could guide them through the process more than just handing them print outs of the first 3 hits off of google, like the hospital’s nutritionist did for us.
I didn’t want anyone to have to go through the pain and frustration we did. I debated going back to school to get my Master’s in Nutrition, but finally, I decided the best fit for me was to become a Certified Health Coach with the Institute of Integrative Nutrition.
Since then a lot has happened. The last few years have been the hardest time of my life. As I have mentioned before he and I are no longer together. There are so many layers to this story, beyond his disease, that it’s impossible to explain all of them and why it ended the way it did. I hesitate to share any of this because I don’t want to paint him in a negative light. I also am not a victim. It takes two people in every relationship to get to the point that you decide to go your separate ways. While we were together he played his role perfectly and he was the most loving partner when he was committed. I still have so much love for him, but unfortunately, not by my choice, we are not in each other’s lives anymore. But I want nothing but the best for him and I hope wherever he is and whoever he’s with that he is happy, that he is thriving and that he has found his purpose again.
But this IS my perspective, my story to share, and this IS what happened to me. Over the last few years, I’ve done a lot of personal growth and self-reflection.
I’ve struggled with what I got out of all of this. What was the purpose of all of this pain? Was I just supposed to be there to hold his hand, to be the one who sat outside the operating room, alone…waiting as the same doctor talked to every person in the room before he finally told me he was in recovery, but they had to remove a foot of his intestine… then have to make the calls…to just be his support. But what did I get out of it?
Why was I struggling so much with this diagnosis when it didn’t physically happen to me? Then…why couldn’t he stand by me the way I stood by him…
But now I’ve done the hard work to be here and to survive. I know now that every day is a choice to create my own reality and that is what I am choosing to do every day.
During these last few years, I contemplated taking down this blog, because it was so centered on our life together, especially his disease. Instead, I decided to just let it be. At the same time, I was completely off social media for almost a year, because it wasn’t good for my mental health. Then I quit my job and moved with no plan.
During this time, I wanted to really take time for myself. To rediscover who I was by myself and genuinely be fine being alone. I am ecstatic to say that I have definitely achieved that, and now sometimes fear I have swung too far in the other direction (but that is another story for another time). I put myself and my joy first. I only tried to please myself. Not a partner, a lover, a parent, a sibling, my friends, my coworkers or my boss. Just me! To many people that seems selfish, and at first, I thought so too, but I was broken and there was nothing left to do. What I realized is that it’s actually not selfish at all, because how can you give to anyone if you don’t give to yourself first. You have to do what makes you happy and what brings you joy otherwise you will lose who you are and the reasons why any of them love you anyway.
While I still would love to help people through health coaching, in early 2019 I decided to return to the hospitality industry. Now in my 9-5 job, I am the Marketing and Events Coordinator for a local foster care agency. It wasn’t until I started doing social media for my current job that I really picked it up again and I remembered my love for writing and this creative outlet.
Since starting this job, especially over the last six months a lot of signs started popping up suggesting that maybe I should start sharing in this space again.
On my team, I have a few young girls who assist me with putting on our annual Boston Qualifier Marathon and Century Ride, as usually happens in the workplace when you spend a lot of time together you start sharing personal things that are going on in your life and occasionally I would share small advice. Then a few months later, we were staying the night at our Marathon Headquarters, and one of the girls asked me basically where this great advice came from.
I laughed and said, “That’s a very long story…” Which led to a four-hour conversation about my love life from my freshman year of high school all the way to the present.
By the end of it, she was crying, I surprising wasn’t, but needed a drink and she said to me, “OMG, this could be a Netflix special!”
At which point I laughed so hard at the idea that anyone would care about any of this. “It’s just my life and this was only the romance, just wait until you hear about the family, personal and professional dramas.”
Doing this was incredibly therapeutic, to just lay it all out from start to finish. I just shared my story, in its entirety as just a story. Not as venting or a lesson, just to tell it because they were interested based on some comments I made. It’s not very often you can look at your life that way and see what you’ve gone through. It was incredibly validating, which gave me so much confidence and made me realize that my story is important and that maybe it could really help others.
When I got home, I told my Dad about this funny conversation. And he said to me, “Of course they do! It really is amazing everything you’ve gone through and how you’ve handled it. I’m so proud of you, Em. Not many people would be able to break up with their boyfriend, move to a new city, and start a new job all in one weekend!”
With a surprised look on my face, I just shrugged and said, “It’s my life. What else was I supposed to do? I had to handle it…” (That relationship/weekend he’s referring to also are nothing compared to the last few years)
He lovely replied, “Exactly! That’s why you should write a book! To help people, millennials, because they can’t handle it. That’s 3 out of the 4 things most people can’t handle and you did it all at one time. It’s amazing!”
Since that conversation, there have been many times he has encouraged me both privately and publicly that he’s so proud of me and that I should help others with my story.
Shortly after this, an acquaintance told me I should start a Foodstagram. Because on my personal Instagram I share A LOT of stories of my cooking. To the point that I always think, “These people probably are so annoyed with this.” But it really is my therapy most days. It brings me so much joy and I enjoy sharing it with others.
Then my closest friends and relatives started making similar comments like, “You should start a Youtube channel” and “You can tell by watching you how much it lights you up, you should share it.”
At which point I would always reply, “But these aren’t really my recipes and I don’t have a Chef here to help with my techniques anymore.”
But I do love to share this. All I’ve ever wanted to do was help people in some way. Make their life a little better or easier and I already have a platform that I’ve been trying to revamp, but struggling with direction….and this is a creative outlet I love…
So here we are now! I will share cooking, tiny living, gardening, décor, my rants, and my advice. This is a space where I’ll share my love of doTERRA essential oils, of holistic nutrition, but more than that, I want it to be a magical escape for you. A safe place where we can create, explore, and grow as a community. I want to share my authentic story and my journey, as I live it. Hopefully, through this, you, the reader, can see that you are not alone in this big world.
When I was at the lowest point in my life, about a year and a half ago, what got me through were the people who allowed me to not be okay. The people who supported me with love. Who allowed me to work through whatever and however I needed to work through all of it. The people who listened without judgment, as I picked up the pieces from the rubble that was my life and said, “It’s okay. We’ve been there too.”
I want it to be as if you stopped by an old friend’s house for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. As if you pulled up a chair at my dining room table to enjoy a home-cooked meal. Or stop by my garden to catch up. This is a place of love, good food, where we seek joy and create our own reality. It can be whatever you want it to be.
This project started as a way to control something that was happening to me, but it has become where I share my story. Where I can speak my authentic truth and while there is part of me that would like to just hide under the table or pretend that if I can’t see you then you can’t see me, I think there is a greater purpose here and maybe I went through all of that pain and growth to have this voice. A voice that I hope will inspire or help you in some way. But know, this is also where I am vulnerable.
The last 6 months have shown me that my story and more importantly my vulnerability can help others. I am very emotional; I can cry over a cheesy hallmark movie or because you looked at me the wrong way, but I have a hard time showing my vulnerability. I am strong. I can handle it. No one needs to see the messy. The I can’t get it together or out of bed days. The days when I have to give myself 2 minutes in-between clients to cry in the bathroom stall and then say to the mirror, “You’re okay, but it’s time to get it together and we will deal with this later.”
Especially in this day of social media, where everyone’s life looks perfect and we spend hours comparing ourselves to people we’ve never met before, we need balance. To see the seasons of life. The good with the bad, because you can’t have one without the other. The adventure, love, amazing moments, the triumphs, but also the heartbreak. Then realizing the hard truth that you have to handle it now and there is no other way to go but up. You have to survive, move forward and create a beautiful reality, that you love, for you and no one else. I digress, you get it… but I hope to share the roller coaster this life is.
I am not here to be your teacher, to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do; I don’t want to become your guru. I want to be your advocate. I want to share my experiences, the things I have learned, what works and what doesn’t work for me. My truth. Simply because it brings me joy and because when I was at my lowest when I didn’t want to survive anymore, what got me threw were the people in my life who let me not be okay, to know that it’s okay to feel this way, that this is a safe place and that I wasn’t alone! So maybe this can help someone know they are worthy and they are okay, just as they are.
I am so happy you are here!
Remember… you create your own reality!
Cheers!
