“Guy’s Girl”

“The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself and shine amongst those who never believed she could.” -Anonymous

I recently spent a, much needed, lazy Saturday, binge-watching a new show. I was very excited about the release of this show, because of the mostly female cast and I thought I could relate to a lot of the topics. I appreciated the show’s message of not losing yourself or your friendships in your romantic relationship (guilty), of women supporting women and the importance of women having relationships with other women. But at the end of the season, there was one scene that really stuck out to me referencing a “Guy’s Girl.”

I have spent the last few days reflecting on why out of all the scenes, this one, that really didn’t impact the storyline very much, was what was on my mind.

I think initially, I felt offended and defensive. Because I am 100% that girl, but it has nothing to do with a “guy.” That is who I am and who I always have been.

This is one of my favorite pictures of myself. Because, even though I am only three years old in this picture, it still perfectly sums me up. I am still that same girl, at 32 years old, wearing a dress, hanging with my sis, while also wearing a baseball hat.

I have always been an athlete. I’m the girl who played boys t-ball, was the only girl on the boys’ soccer team. I played basketball for at least 11 years. As one of two girls in the entire division, I was the starting point guard for the boys CYO team in our undefeated season, while also playing on my school team, and on a rec team with the city. The first time I went oversees was to play basketball for a few weeks over the summer, it completely opened my mind and changed my life. To say the least, it was my entire life and I loved it. I played at least 9 months out of the year, over the summer my family would go on vacation while I went to back to back individual, team, and all-star camps. It’s was my greatest love and is a very long emotional story. One I’ve never really gotten over.

The point is, I’m an athlete who loves sports and it has nothing to do with a “guy!” It has always been a big part of my life.

I am a girl who has literally been watching football my entire life.

In elementary school, all of my girlfriends were cheerleaders for the local pop warner team and I remember them always asking me to join the squad, but I couldn’t imagine doing that. Not because there is anything wrong with cheerleading, they are great athletes. I could never understand being on the sideline. If I was going to “play” I wanted to be on the field. (I almost joined the football team once and really wish I had)

When I was a little kid my cousins (who are basically my big brothers) would get my sister and I all excited and riled up to watch football with them. Mostly because they didn’t want to watch another Disney princess movie with us and needed the TV. But that is where my love of this sport began and it has stuck with me. Watching, listening to my Dad, my cousins and my uncle debate, yell at the tv and celebrate, installed a love of the game and of sports in general.

Now if you know me, you know I have a deep love for the Baltimore Ravens! But if one more person asks me if I love the Ravens, because of the color purple I’M GOING TO LOSE IT!

Or every time I throw on one of the 10 Ravens shirts I own, I have to mentally prepare myself for someone to ask me who my QB is or have an endless quiz on who’s who, to prove “I’m a real fan!”

But does anyone ask the thousands of now 49er fans why they are suddenly repping their team’s jersey? Because this season, after years of sucking, they are killing it at 10-1?

Or to that guy wearing his brand new Curry jersey, “Why are you a Warriors fan? Is your favorite color blue?”

No! They don’t think twice about it. But I was kicking myself, because in the middle of my biggest event of the year, that I had been immersed in for months, I couldn’t tell this guy who the Ravens new running back was. When if he had asked me at any other time, I know enough about the NFL that even if I didn’t know, I would have been able to deduce that it is Mark Ingram simply from the Saints tattoo on his arm!

So, no. I’m not a Ravens fan because I like the color purple. I am a Ravens fan initially, because of Ray Lewis and have continued to be a Ravens fan because of who that team is year after year! Because of the Ravens organization! Because I would want to play for John Harbaugh! Because of what they embody, that I, as an athlete, would play with that kind of passion, work ethic, loyalty, grit, PMA and love of the game.

Guess what?! I’m also a girl who loves beer. One of my favorite hobbies is to try out different breweries. While I have become partial to hoppy IPA’s over the years, my favorite thing is to go to breweries and sample. But this has nothing to do with a guy, in fact, I get that from my Momma!

Because she went to high school in Germany and it has been her love of Scrimshaw (in particular lol) and trying different German-style pilsners that exposed me to this. And I will never shotgun a beer, enjoy it for goodness sake!!!

I’m a foodie, I cook for fun, it’s my hobby, I would do it all day every day if I could. My career has been in restaurants/hospitality and guess what I’m kind of a snob about it. But I will never say anything because I’ve been there in the trenches just like they are! And even though I’ve managed and dined at some amazing restaurants, wings are my truly my favorite food. They have been since a bad day turned great over wings during an internship I had in Philly a few years ago.

They are because every time I see my best friend we get wings. But that has nothing to do with a “guy” or even sports!!!

They are my favorite because I love fancy bar foods done well! Because I love shared plates. Because one of my dreams has been to open a Gastropub in that old Irish/English pub-style for years now! So then I can finally incorporate all of these loves into one passion and guess what NONE of this has to do with a “guy”.

I also love Champagne and Rose! But what’s hilarious is I was intimidated by wine, until I dated a guy. He and his family were really into wine, just like my family is into beer. So I started going to tastings, and dinners with them. Later I got into the wine industry and found a real love for it. But, that was because of a guy… so where’s that in this stereotype…should I not enjoy that because a guy, a relationship, exposed me to that?

I have faced multiple occasions where I was told I couldn’t be as good as the boys or that I didn’t belong there because I was a girl. I’m the girl who went to boys open gym, and my teacher (later coach) was confused by my presence because I am extremely shy and could barely hold a conversation in class. But then I stepped on that court and it’s like I flipped a switch. I was intense, loud, confident, and could keep up with the best of the boys.

But I’m shocked, hurt and a little pissed that today I am feeling these same feelings of shame for being stereotyped as a “Guy’s Girl.” That these things somehow can’t be my interests, without an ulterior motive.

All of that being said, I do have all of these “guy” traits. I also have just as many guy best friends as I do girls. But I am also very girly. I like a full beat face as much as the next girl. I would describe my style as classic feminine. I wear high heels almost every day, not because I have to for work, or because a man wants me to, but because I like what it does for my posture and the confidence they give me.

But I am also the girl who will go all weekend with no makeup, a baseball hat, and basketball shorts.

Yes, you could describe me as a “Guy’s Girl,” as in, I enjoy many things that many guys also enjoy, but this has nothing to do with a guy or how intelligent I am and everything to do with what I enjoy and what I am passionate about.

I think I had such a reaction because I don’t understand why it has to be one or the other. Why can’t I be both? Especially coming from a show that is promoting feminism, equality, and women supporting women. Why would you stereotype any woman or person? Why would you put down any “type” of woman? What about inclusivity? Why can’t we be all of this without it being a game? Or it being about someone else?

My parents raised me to not have to rely on anyone other than myself, especially a man. Everything from having my own money to the fact that I have my motorcycle license because I don’t want to have to be the girl on the back. I want the option to ride myself!

There is nothing wrong with any of that, this is just my way, and it has nothing to do with a “guy” and everything to do with what I enjoy, and what I am passionate about. It’s my nature.

I also completely recognize that this is a minor issue compared to others dealing with stereotypes and equality in race, gender, sexuality, religion etc. But this is my truth and what I can speak to and I have the right to voice that opinion as well.

I felt offended because we already deal with these stereotypes and adversity every day as women. Then I felt attacked by my own gender. That in one second, the traits I used to think were strengths had been reduced to a cliché. That with all of the steps we have taken forward, that this show is promoting, then at the same moment they took a step back.

Yes, I am the girl who goes to Buffalo Wild Wings alone, just to watch her team. I am also the girl who wears red lipstick like war paint. I would wear fake eyelashes every day if I could.  I wear high heels because they make me feel sexy and like I can step into my power as a woman. I am also the girl who can change her own oil, only drives a manual transmission, and can tell you the three tight ends in rotation on the Ravens offense and probably give you some insight into your teams secondary. But I also love rom-coms, getting dressed up for no reason, and I still want to be with a man who will open the door for me.

Guess what?! That has nothing to do with a “guy” and everything to do with me!  I don’t have these hobbies, passions, and likes because I’m less intelligent or because I’m trying to play a game. I don’t need a man, if I choose you it’s because I want you, not because I need you.

As I’m reflecting deeper on these feelings and I am trying to understand why I had such a strong reaction, I am hesitant to share this because I am very aware of my own privilege.

This is not the only issue I have faced as a woman and it is certainly not the most important. But it is a small example of how labels and stereotypes, words and actions even from those with the best intentions affect people and can cause them to question who they are because they don’t fit in a box.

I know who I am as a woman, so I am not angry for myself, I am frustrated for my 3-year-old self (in the photo above), who if she saw this clip would question who she is.

I’m frustrated for the 8-year-old girl who only wants to play pop warner football, but is scared to be the only girl on the team.

I’m frustrated for the 18-year-old girl who wants to own a tech company, join the military, go to lineman school or whatever occupation that is a “guys” job, but doesn’t know how to do what she wants because she doesn’t fit in the box. Because someone told her she’s not genuine or because everything she does can only be because she’s trying to attract someone else.

For every other girl or person who relates to this, who’s trying to fit into a “guys” role, who felt less than or that she couldn’t be herself because of stereotypes, because if she was herself it has to be because she is starving for approval and attention.

You are not alone and you are perfect as you are! Be You! Create your own reality and I got your back if you need it! You are worthy! All of us male, female or anything in between can do anything even if it doesn’t fit into the right box or category!

We should not be stereotyping or degrade any “type” of woman or person. We are all equal, and perfect as we are!

Cheers!